And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The uberlube is also flammable
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drunk is not a location!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
