My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
