I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
