please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
