I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
