I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
