Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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