i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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