i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
