Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
