I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
