cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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