Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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