Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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