it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
