Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
