You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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