My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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