i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
