my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
