so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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