I want to walk on stilts...naked
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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