Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
