I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
