Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
