I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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