remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
