I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
