Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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