just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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