i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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