you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He called his prostate his "boner button".
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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