I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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