Acid is not a monday night drug
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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