She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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