I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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