i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
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