i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
