You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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