The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
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if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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