Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
