oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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