White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
