I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize