I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
