Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
