I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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