so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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