On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
there is glitter all over my balls
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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