this beer tastes like vomit already
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
