you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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