He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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