I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
