dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
