put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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