i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
