Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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