Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
